Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What to do?!

Ok, I need your opinions.

I obviously want to blog about these recent adventures. I may actually be accepting placement next Friday if all works out.

But here's the question - where to blog?!

I'm not sure that I want to open myself up to critism - but I am really excited and hope this ends up being a good experience that other's might be interested in hearing about.

My other blog is pretty anonymous - this one is not so much.

But that blog feels like more about my job - while this one is more about me and my life.

AHHHHH!!! I don't know what to do!

Start a THIRD blog? That seems crazy too.

Ok, I'm setting up a poll on the side of my blog.

Please vote.

Or just comment.



Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Surreal Life

No, not the reality TV show....

My life. For the past week anyways...

I feel like I've been keeping you all in the dark! I kept wanting to blog about it, seriously!

But at first it was so "new" and I didn't want to jump the gun.

Then it all started rolling so fast that my head was spinning.

Then I needed to make some serious decisions... still not totally sure of them yet.

Lastly, I couldn't decide WHERE to blog!

But I decided to start here because I know pretty much who reads this blog and I'm not too worried about you all judging me. So, here goes:

I have known about this program in my area for a while now - its very similar to Safe Families which you can read about on their website. Essentially, its like foster care - only the children are not in the system and the "foster parents" are all volunteer. Placements are very short term - no more than 90 days. The child's parents can choose to participate voluntarily and retain custody of their children at all times. The entire point of the program is to keep children out of foster care and families intact - which is something I can totally support.

I inquired about the program about a year ago when I first heard about it. But then I changed jobs and moved and life was all crazy. But then I felt pulled to look into it again recently. I've wanted to foster for a long time now, but the timing and my financial state just hasn't come together. (Aka - I can't afford a two bedroom apartment, which is required in my state. I'm jealous of Fosterhood and her state's less restrictive rules!) So, I sent in the inquiry form and received an email back asking to set up a time for a social worker to come to my apartment.

Surreal moment #1:

Last Wednesday I found myself frantically cleaning my house in preparation for a home visit.

Even though I KNOW that cleanliness is one of the last things that we actually care about, it just felt wrong not to do it!

So, the social worker came in - I'll call him Henry - and we talked for about an hour. This is where the world starting spinning. Essentially, because the program isn't part of DCFS, it isn't subject to their licensing standards. Which means that they have no problem with my one bedroom apartment being a "safe place" for kids. And, because I'm already finger printed, background checked, and trained (because of my job) Henry basically said I could be approved immediately.

I hadn't quite processed what that meant when Henry needed to head out. We wrapped things up and he said he'd be in touch soon. Which leads to...

Surreal moment #2:

At about 6pm last Wednesday I got a phone call from Henry - they had a 9 month old baby that needed placement and he wanted to know if I was interested.

I nearly had a panic attack. I had no supplies for a baby! I had work the next day - should I call in or work from home?! I had dinner plans that night - cancel or bring the baby?! I hadn't told a single person in my life about this - how would I suddenly explain a baby?!

But I told them I would do it if they couldn't find anyone else. Yes - SUCKER.

They found someone else for the baby that night. Thank goodness.

But in the last 5 days I have gotten THREE more calls for placement!

Friday - an 8 year old boy. I was at work when the call came in and by the time I returned it, they'd already found someone else.

Saturday - a teenage mom and baby, but once I explained my space issues they decided to keep calling around.

Today - a 17 year old boy, with the saddest story yet. I was pretty much their last resort - he's got some special circumstances that mean most homes couldn't have him placed. I was extremely hesitant - not for the same reason everyone else turned him down though. I'm just not sure how safe it would be for me - a single young woman - to have a teenage boy.

But in the end I said I'd be willing to talk about it further. Henry said they weren't even sure they could accept him into the program and he might end up in DCFS custody anyway.

I'm pretty much waiting by my phone at this point.

Meanwhile, I've been second guessing this whole thing... a lot. Not because I think I can't do it, and certainly not because I don't WANT to do it. But I work a lot right now - 2 jobs. My full time social work job is pretty flexible and the agency is willing to work with me concerning daycare for any kids placed with me. But my part time job is not very flexible and the hours are not conducive to single parenting (working until 10pm and weekends).

Mostly, I just expected more time to work out the details!

So, right now I'm trying to figure things out. I'm desperately trying to find a new job that would allow me to quit the second job - or find a second job that is more flexible. I have some friends that would probably be able to help with child care - but I haven't even told them that I was considering this idea yet! They know I've wanted to do foster care before - but this is going to be a little out of the blue anyways. But now I'm feeling a little anxious about telling anyone because I tried talking to my mother about it and she wasn't very supportive... at all. She understands my desire to do this kind of service - but she just doesn't think that I'm in the best place in my life to do it. I understand her rationale... but I still want to do it.

See what I mean? Surreality.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Happy Birthday Bug!

To my favorite FIVE year old:

This was you almost exactly one year ago - you had just turned four. I remember thinking forward to this momentous birthday - 5 seemed so old! Five year olds are not babies anymore! They aren't even preschoolers - you'll be off to Kindergarten soon! I remember secretly hoping that this year would be slow.... and I thought I told you to stop growing up!

I can still remember the call I got, (after waiting by my phone for 36 hours!), announcing that you had been born! The call came at 10:30 pm and I couldn't sleep because I was so thrilled! And I was so excited to meet you four weeks later when you came to be baptized. You were so tiny, but with delicious chubby cheeks, and the sweetest demeanor. Your Mommy and I talked a lot about what kind of kid you would be when you got older - but you are much more than we could have imagined!

You are impossibly sweet - kind to everyone, concerned about others, and a fantastic big sister! You are beautiful - a happy, girly-girl, lover of all things princess! You already have a great faith in God - and concern for others knowing about him too! (I'll never forget you once asking me, "Rachie? Does the caterpillar have Jesus in his heart?") You are so smart - a watcher of the world around you, curious, a questioner and already reading! I can't believe you are already FIVE!

But I am so anxious to watch you grow up even more. You are such a terrific little person - I am certain that there are many good things in store for your future! And, I am already planning for some fun activities and events in the years to come!

I love you - my little J!


Your Rachie

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Red Peg in a Blue Hole

I've already outed myself on Twitter. But just in case anyone missed it over the weekend:

I'm a conservative.

A bonafide Republican.

I campaigned for McCain.

I am putting it out here because part of the reason for starting this new blog was so that I could be more open, real and honest.

And, to be honest, I'm not really able to be that open about my political views in my real life. Of course, my friends know - but I work in social work, I live in Chicago - most disagree with me!

I clearly remember the first time that I became acutely aware of how differences in political opinions can affect relationships. I was sitting at the lunch table at my first social work job, it was the month before the 2004 Presidential Elections. The assistant director was talking about a conversation that she had the night before with her 12 year old daughter.

"Sarah asked me last night what the difference was between Democrats and Republicans..."

"I told her Democrats care about people - Republicans don't."

Somehow I had missed the memo that being a conservative meant that I didn't care about people. Someone had forgotten to warn me that in order to be a good social worker, I must become a liberal. Somewhere along the way, this Republican had slipped through the cracks and gotten her degree in social work.

It would not be the last time that everyone assumed that I was a liberal and said something ignorant and hurtful in my presence. But I can say its gotten a lot easier to hear and I don't take it too personally. Most people are quick to apologize when they find out that I am not a democrat. Then they use qualifying statements, "Republicans don't care about people... well, most republicans... you aren't like most conservatives Rachel!"

Um, okay... thanks?


I generally assume that I am the only conservative in a room when I am at work. It took me quite a while to be comfortable enough to reveal my political views at my last job. I have yet to tell anyone at my current job. My agency is heavily allied with the democratic party in Illinois - I get regular emails encouraging me to participate or act on an issue in order to further the liberal agenda in regards to the state budget. I find it annoying that only one side of the issue is being pushed - but not enough to risk losing my job.

And right now I have to hear all the excitement about the new Healthcare Bill being passed. And mostly, I just smile and nod... and quickly walk away. Not just because I don't agree with the bill - but because if I stick around long enough, the talk will often turn to putting down the GOP and the evil, hateful, racist conservatives that don't care about anyone.

It is not in my nature to shut up and walk away. And so I find myself jumping to defend the issue on a couple friends' Facebook pages, or venting to my mom, or just being irritable.

So, that's pretty much what this post boils down to...

I'm a Republican.

And I care about people.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Happy Birthday to ME!

This past Saturday I cancelled my birthday party - BEST DECISION EVER.

I have a number of friends, but they all travel in different circles. Every year I try to plan a birthday get together that they can all come to and enjoy - because all I want for my birthday is to be surrounded by my friends. But every year what really happens is that I get completely stressed out - picking a venue they'll all enjoy, worrying about certain friends being civil to each other, and the ever lingering fear that no one will actually show up. (No, its never happened - but it could!)

This year, with it being the Big 3-0 and all, I felt even more pressure. Pressure to make it extra fun or extra special... but in reality, I didn't really want to be celebrating it at all. I realize that age is just a number and that I'm still relatively young. I have never been one to care about my age - but 30 snuck up on me and whacked me over the head with some kind of severe hormonal craziness.

I've spent the last 2 months in various stages of hysteria about the impending doom of this day.

And the last 6 weeks desperately trying to plan a party for it.

And this past Saturday I was on the phone with Kass (yes, we are attached at the cell phone) lamenting the fact that I still hadn't picked a location for the party that I made everyone reserve this coming weekend to attend. I have no "favorite bar" anymore - I rarely go to anything besides a local neighborhood pub. We went to my favorite restaurant last year on my birthday. Plus, half my friends are pregnant - so that adds a whole new level of difficulty to planning a fun night out.

"I hope you are getting lots of sleep this week and making up your couch - cause I am sure to be crying on it come Saturday night", I told her laughingly.

But I was completely serious - that is how I foresaw the evening ending.

No alternative actually.

And that is when it hit me - I really do not want to have this birthday party.

Not the birthday itself - I'm resigned to that coming whether I want it to or not!

But I really didn't want to have a big birthday party.

And when I thought about it a little more... when I envisioned a different plan... I was surprised by how I felt:

Downright giddy.

And now, here my new and improved Birthday Week plans!

Monday: I actually got up today and for the first time really believed that I might make it through my birthday week without a meltdown. One day down! :D

Tuesday: Lunch with Thorn - we are having Ethiopian! I am soooooo excited to meet her! Then, therapy - which always puts me in a good mood! And then dinner with an old coworker/friend at one of my favorite spots in my old neighborhood. I can't wait to catch up with her! Its been too long.

Wednesday: I called my college girlfriends Melanie and Alida and asked them if they and their significant others were busy on Wednesday. They were both initially surprised with my new scheme, but readily agreed to dinner at a pub - Mel's husband is currently looking for a place where bagpipers will be playing.

Thursday: Lunch with co-workers - yay for long lunch hours!

Saturday: I will still get together for drinks with Kass and my good friend Sarah and her boyfriend. They are my "non married/non pregnant" friends and they get along smashingly so it will be a great low key night.

I'm hoping this awesome week of celebrating will kick off an amazing year (decade) of me doing more of what makes me happy and less of what stresses me out!

Kass says I'm really ready to be 30 now. ;)

Bring it on!

So Excited!

If you haven't seen my goddaughters on my other blog, let me introduce you to them now.
Meet Julia aka "Bug" - she's almost 5 years old, such a big girl! But I have loved her since the moment I got the phone call from her daddy, announcing that "the most beautiful baby girl in the world" had been born. She holds the honor of being my very first "niece" - although we are not related by blood. Not technically her godmother, but her parents christened me with the title "Auntie" the first time I met her and I've been relishing it ever since. Her mom, Lisa, often starts phone conversations with, "I'm calling you since you're the only person who loves my daughter as much as I do...". Bug is also the one who started calling me "Auntie Rachie" - and its stuck. Occasionally, if other children are around, its "My Rachie" - and I wouldn't have it any other way! I adore her.
And then there is Ava aka "Bean" - my actual "goddaughter" and the cutest thing since chubby cheeks were invented. I've known Ava longer than anyone else outside her parents - I was the ONLY person who knew about her mom's pregnancy for the first 4 months! So, I consider it a head start in bonding with her. Ava is a smiley and silly 15 months old now! And, as destiny would have it, she is soon to be the "middle child" as her mom is pregnant again! Lisa and I consider it perfect symetry since we have bonded over being the "middles" and I will always understand Ava's plight in the birth order scheme. She is my little sunshine.

Even though my sweet girls live 6 hours away, I make efforts to visit them every couple of months. And they are usually visiting family in Chicago on the opposite months so I see them often.

But in a couple weeks, we mark a historic event! Bug is finally old enough to come visit and stay with me BY HERSELF! I am beyond excited and have big plans for our 4 days together. They include an indoor waterpark, the zoo and a trip to the theater if I can find a good kids show playing. There will be much excitement and plenty of pictures to show off our good time - I promise!

And now for the double excitement - Lisa just called to ask if I'd want to keep BOTH girls for two days in July while she goes to a friend's wedding. Um... really? You had to ask that question? The correct presentation would have been to call and say, "I'm dropping off your girls for two days in July - get ready!" There is no way I'd say no to these darlings!

I'm giddy with excitement. I can't wait to make plans for special time with my girls!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Witness Protection Program

I love my father, I really do. We've come a long way in our relationship. More importantly, I've come a long way in understanding his limitations and setting boundaries for myself. But sometimes, I still think the only way to deal is to enter the witness protection program.

Yesterday I got an two emails, which came over my Crackberry, that definitely sent me to that mindset. The first email was a forwarded flight itinerary - it indicated that my dad and his new wife are coming to visit in late April. The second email said, "I forgot to mention something on the phone the other day... ".

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

Why in the heck does ANYONE think it is appropriate to make travel plans AND BOOK PLANE TICKETS without speaking with the intended visitee first?! I truly don't mind them coming to visit but it really makes me mad that he does it with asking me first. It is just one more slap in the face that my wants, needs, and feelings are not important to him. Not only are they not important - I honestly don't think he even considers it, that it even crosses his mind. And THAT is the part I cannot help but respond to - even though I know that this is a long standing, unchangeable facet of our relationship.

This is sadly one of those times when I can not expect to change his behavior. I desperately wish that we could have a genuine, productive conversation that wouldn't deteriorate into accusations and manipulations.

But expectations like that only result in our relationship being damaged and my emotions being trampled all over. In cases like this, I must accept that I can not control his behavior. I can only control my response to it. I can only set up boundaries that will hopefully reinforce that my wants and needs are important - even if I'm the only one who gets that message.

I was already planning to take myself on vacation sometime in April/May. I guess now I've picked the weekend.

Friday, March 12, 2010


So, for a brief moment tonight I was completely ecstatic about my tax returns.
They are really good this year.
Really good.
I even sent out a Tweet about how excited I was about them! I mean, if you saw what the
beginning of Friday was like for me, you'd understand.
But then I remembered the curse.
The curse of my tax return money.
Don't believe me? Think I'm exaggerating?
Three years ago,
shortly after receiving my returns, my computer crashed and I had to buy a new one. Not a huge deal - but not what I had planned.
Two years ago,
I had big plans to save my return money because I was really struggling financially. (And lets be honest here, I still am!) But less than a month after it was deposited into my bank account, my roommate bailed on me and I ended up using every penny to get out of my lease and move to a new place.
Last year,
I had noticed the pattern and actually posted "Just deposited my tax returns into the bank, now waiting for the other shoe to drop" on my facebook status. And within 24 HOURS I was involved in a car accident that cost me pretty much the entire amount.
This is seriously how my life works.
I deleted the Tweet - this is nothing to mess with here.
I am not even kidding.
Does anyone want my tax return money? I think I'm better off without it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Last Weekend's Shenanagans

Well, you guys heard about the pre-party outfit anxieties. And if you caught it on Twitter, you know how I felt the "day after". But I figure you deserve to see how the actual party went!

Now, before you scroll down to see all the crazy pictures...




I have a disclaimer!

OK fine: Pictures first...

Kass (L) and Me (R)

Kass and "Beyonce"

Me and my old coworkers - I miss these girls!

Me and "Pink"

Shruti (other bday girl!) and Me with our pom martinis

Kass, Shruti, and April at our second bar of the night

Which is where things got really fun!

Shruti and random group of Asians

Most embarressing pic of the night

Unless you're Kass - in which case, this one is worse!

OK, now its definitely time for the disclaimer!

I am not a big drinker - not because I'm anti-alcohol, I just usually don't need it to have a good time. I almost never have more than 1 or 2 drinks in a night. I didn't have a single drink at my other Bff's bachelorette party.

But I'm not a lightweight.

Which I apparently proved this night...

Because I had a beer, 4 martinis, 2 shots, and a Long Island Iced Tea...

I only got 1.75 hours of sleep...

And I still managed to work, standing on my feet, for 8 hours the next day.

Apparently I'm not old and feeble yet!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Lets get serious ok?

All of you have read my other blog, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that I once had depression. Notice the use of past tense there? I'll get back to it. It also shouldn't be a surprise that I am in therapy - though not really for my depression, more because I was stressing out over my dad getting remarried last November. Anyways, if you didn't know those things - now you do!

On with the point of this blog post:

I tried to stop going to therapy about about 2 months ago. I'm over my dad getting remarried, he isn't stressing me out much anymore, and family life seems to have calmed down - so I talked to my therapist and we set a date for our last session the next week.

I had a full on meltdown over that weekend. (Yes, the couch/boyfriend incident.)

I decided to stay in therapy.

And therapy is good - we are addressing all my feelings about turning 30, not being married, and why I am not loving my job these days. My therapist and I agree - I'm not clinically depressed.

I'm just finding myself at a place in my life where I need a change.

A big change.

But I just don't really know what that change is going to be yet.

But, I'm just putting it out there.

I need a change.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


You know, I'm feeling less sorry for celebrities who are hounded by the paparazzi - because its REALLY EASY to follow them.

Especially if they tweet their every move.

Or even their every other move.

Which is how I ended up stalking Apolo Ohno today.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know I have developed just the teensy-ist of crushes on him. Let me reassure you, THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I can't think of another celebrity crush that I've had since I was about 16 years old.

So, no worries - I'm sure this will eventually subside.

Well, I'm pretty sure anyways.

If he'd stop telling me what he was doing every minute of the day!

Especially when he happens to be in my city!!

It started right as I was about to go to bed last night when he tweeted:

(I should probably confess that his tweets are sent straight to my cell phone - that probably isn't helping my obsession much huh?)

So, I freaked out. I tweeted a couple times. No one else was awake. So I freaked out alone. And then I finally settled down and went to sleep.

Five hours later - he tweets again:

His joke about the Olympic Village was in reference to the fact that we had crazy Londonesque fog going on here this morning.

But see how he told me just where to find him??

But it was WAAAAY too early for stalking - I have my limits. Plus, I had a doctor's appointment this morning.

So, I just turned on the radio - within minutes he was on the air. As soon as he signed off - here was his next tweet:

Now, at this point, I really had to restrain myself - I live about 2 miles from the WGN studios!!! But again, it was pretty early, and I needed to get dressed, so I turned on my TV and ran to take a quick shower.

As soon as I got out of the shower, he was on! And they mentioned the NAME of the school he was going to be speaking at - which was literally ON MY WAY to work. I took it as a sign.

Plus, I was egged on - see??

So, I drove by the school - there was a news van parked out front and I admit to lingering for a while.

But in the end, this is as close as I got:

And now he's gone. :(

Is there anyone in New York who wants to try to track him down for me??

Monday, March 8, 2010

My Day in Texts 2

The Backstory: A couple of times this past year I've had some weird dry/cracked skin on one of my thumbs. Kinda ichy, kinda painful at times - but no big deal. I'm not one to freak out over minor ailements.

But my friend Kass is - she has spent many a day on WebMD diagnosing herself with various syndromes and fatal illnesses. We both also love to watch a lot of medical dramas and documentaries.

Well, today I mentioned my weird patch of dry skin to someone and they said it might be eczema. I'd thought about this possibility before, so I figured I go on WebMD to check it out.

Hence, this text convo today:

{Me} OMGosh. Now I get why U are a hypochondriac!! I just went on WebMd!

{Kass} Uh oh. What R U dying from?

{Me} Not only have I diagnosed what kind of eczema I have, I'm convinced that I'm turning into the tree man!

{Kass} Yeah, that's not good.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

My Day in Texts

So, one thing you should know about me is that I TEXT CONSTANTLY.

Like, over 100 texts a day.

I know. Problem.

Anyways, I find myself laughing at some of the conversations that I have with friends throughout my day. Here's a little glimpse into my debilitating inability to get dressed up to go out anymore:

The scene: My good friend Kass' birthday party - going out to a swanky restuarant and then the Kit Kat Lounge. This is not my typical saturday night. I'd been out for 3 hours looking for a shirt/dress to go over leggings - because if I can't wear jeans, leggings is the next best thing.

{Me} Srsly, I'm not sure I can come to your bday 2night.

{Kass} Why?

{Me} Cause I've been to 3 stores and can't find anything to wear. I've forgotten how to dress myself. U don't want to be seen w/me.

{Kass} U will be fine. I don't care what you wear.

{Me} Remember me during that couch/boyfriend convo?* That was almost just me in the dressing room at Target.

{Kass} Ok... Well, just remember its just one night - not the rest of ur life.

{Me} How did I used to dress to go out? I can't remember. Everything looks dumb.

{Kass} U need to be hospitalized.

{Me} Exactly. Will u come visit after going out tonight?

{Kass} Sure thing.

{Me} Thnx.


I eventually found something that didn't look horrid - at least I hope it doesn't. I'm supposed to be doing my hair right now... but I'm procrastinating on the couch. We'll see if I make it out of the house.

If I let anyone take my picture tonight, I'll try to post pics.


* Awful conversation we once had when I couldn't pick out a new couch and this seguayed into why I can't find a boyfriend - something about commitment issues. Hysterical sobbing and laughing at the same time. Beginning of the pre-30th birthday meltdown.
**Please don't take offense to our dark humor - we are both social workers.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


This post is for anyone who follows my other blog - welcome to my world!

As you'll see from my other two posts - I have no idea what you'll be finding here! So, I won't be hurt if you decide you only care about the "social worker" me. Lots of you follow that blog because of its subject matter - my random musings just may not be all that relavent to your lives! :)

But, if you do continue to follow me here, please observe these requests.

- Don't pass around this blog address to others that you know follow my other blog. I don't want to make this one "private" because its a pain for people to access that way. It would involve me having to send emails everytime I post or just hope that people remember to check in since it wouldn't show up in their Google Readers. But I also want to limit who knows that the two blogs are connected since I plan to be less anonymous over here. So, if someone from that blog asks about this one - just tell them to send me an email at socialwrkr_247 [at] live(dot)com . And I'll make sure they know where to find me.

- Be careful when you comment on the other blog! I need to stay semi-anonymous over there because it helps me protect the privacy of my clients. So, just remember not to mention my personal info (name, city I live in, agency name) if you happen to comment over there!

That's it - just two simple rules! I hope you will all click the little "follow" button over there on the right so that I know you are here! I look forward to getting to know some of you better - I hope you know what you're getting yourselves into!

Rachel :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I'm Just This Girl

So, the name of my blog.... Where did it come from?

Well, I've found myself saying 'I never wanted to be "That Girl'!" a lot recently. My good friend Kass and I were just talking about it the other day - who "that girl" is in our minds.

We all probably have a "that girl" in our lives. I've heard it refer to a variety of subgroups.

My definition of "That Girl" has changed over time as well, although its always been a variation of the same idea. In Junior High/High School, "that girl" was desperate, needy, and needed to be validated all the time. She drew attention to all her imperfections - even though she rarely had any glaring ones. Called herself "fat" - just so that someone else would tell her she was skinny. She was never okay unless she was dating someone.

In college, "That Girl" was the girl who was on the prowl for a husband. I went to a small, private, christian college where a majority of girls proudly declared they were there to get their "MRS." degree. From the first days of freshman orientation there were plenty of girls eyeing the guys to see which one might be her future beloved.

Shortly after college, where my best friends and I had all managed to get out without engagement rings, the desperation of "That Girl" intensified. This time, as we all neared our mid to late 20's - the desperation for a boyfriend/husband hit an all time fevered pitch among my peers. When none of us was engaged by 25, I thought some of my friends would have nervous break downs. Not kidding.

And yet, somehow through it all, I seemed to remain relatively unconcerned.

Please don't get me wrong - I want to get married. I want to have a family. I never really intended to have a career. I would have been perfectly happy to be barefoot and pregnant by now.

It was the desperation factor that always bothered me. The feeling that a person couldn't be "whole" or "enough" unless they were being validated by some factor outside of herself that I couldn't stomach.

Well, now I am almost 30 - and I find that there is another kind of "That Girl" out there. And she is making me more nervous than the previous one.

The new "That Girl" is the one that everyone looks at and says, "I wonder why she's not married?" and "She's nice, pretty, smart and has a lot going for her... I wonder why she hasn't found a nice guy yet?" The one everyone looks at and wonders what kind of invisible deficit or barrier has prevented her from finding love.

I really don't want to be That Girl either - and I have waaaayy less control over this one. I can reign in my own neuroses - but I can't control the way other people see me.

And that really ticks me off.

So, what am I to do with all of this?

I should probably start by stop stereotyping all the other women around me... after all, if they are ultimately happy with themselves and their lives?

So, I will try not to use "That Girl" as a negative judgement. It simply represents other paths that I have not chosen - or that haven't chosen me... yet.

I will just be "This Girl".

And I will try to be okay with that.

Monday, March 1, 2010

To Be or Not To Be?

Hmmm.... I'm struggling with what I want this blog to "be". Its so easy with my other blog - my job provided me with endless stories to tell in the beginning and now my followers inspire me to keep writing even when the job doesn't fuel me. So it feels a little strange to be blogging and not even know if anyone is reading!

My first blog started out as just a way to journal - but quickly became much more of a community! So, starting this one just feels funny... But I know that I want this blog to be more about ME ... rather that just my job. My job is a large part of who I am, but it is not everything.

In fact, the older I get the more I long for it to be a smaller part of my life. I wish that I had other big exciting happenings going on - a relationship, a wedding, kids, exciting travels.... But the truth is that my life is pretty routine and boring most of the time!

But I'm also trying to find the good in that as well. That my life is not typically filled with drama. That I am not floating without goals. That I have solid relationships with people that I love. So, I don't know what this blog will be - or if it will last!

I am not the most consistent of bloggers in general. But I'm excited to let people into my "real life" - I hope you all still like me! :D