What to do?!

Ok, I need your opinions.

I obviously want to blog about these recent adventures. I may actually be accepting placement next Friday if all works out.

But here's the question - where to blog?!

I'm not sure that I want to open myself up to critism - but I am really excited and hope this ends up being a good experience that other's might be interested in hearing about.

My other blog is pretty anonymous - this one is not so much.

But that blog feels like more about my job - while this one is more about me and my life.

AHHHHH!!! I don't know what to do!

Start a THIRD blog? That seems crazy too.

Ok, I'm setting up a poll on the side of my blog.

Please vote.

Or just comment.

Whatever.

HELP!!

The Surreal Life

No, not the reality TV show....

My life. For the past week anyways...

I feel like I've been keeping you all in the dark! I kept wanting to blog about it, seriously!

But at first it was so "new" and I didn't want to jump the gun.

Then it all started rolling so fast that my head was spinning.

Then I needed to make some serious decisions... still not totally sure of them yet.

Lastly, I couldn't decide WHERE to blog!

But I decided to start here because I know pretty much who reads this blog and I'm not too worried about you all judging me. So, here goes:

I have known about this program in my area for a while now - its very similar to Safe Families which you can read about on their website. Essentially, its like foster care - only the children are not in the system and the "foster parents" are all volunteer. Placements are very short term - no more than 90 days. The child's parents can choose to participate voluntarily and retain custody of their children at all times. The entire point of the program is to keep children out of foster care and families intact - which is something I can totally support.

I inquired about the program about a year ago when I first heard about it. But then I changed jobs and moved and life was all crazy. But then I felt pulled to look into it again recently. I've wanted to foster for a long time now, but the timing and my financial state just hasn't come together. (Aka - I can't afford a two bedroom apartment, which is required in my state. I'm jealous of Fosterhood and her state's less restrictive rules!) So, I sent in the inquiry form and received an email back asking to set up a time for a social worker to come to my apartment.

Surreal moment #1:

Last Wednesday I found myself frantically cleaning my house in preparation for a home visit.

Even though I KNOW that cleanliness is one of the last things that we actually care about, it just felt wrong not to do it!

So, the social worker came in - I'll call him Henry - and we talked for about an hour. This is where the world starting spinning. Essentially, because the program isn't part of DCFS, it isn't subject to their licensing standards. Which means that they have no problem with my one bedroom apartment being a "safe place" for kids. And, because I'm already finger printed, background checked, and trained (because of my job) Henry basically said I could be approved immediately.

I hadn't quite processed what that meant when Henry needed to head out. We wrapped things up and he said he'd be in touch soon. Which leads to...

Surreal moment #2:

At about 6pm last Wednesday I got a phone call from Henry - they had a 9 month old baby that needed placement and he wanted to know if I was interested.

I nearly had a panic attack. I had no supplies for a baby! I had work the next day - should I call in or work from home?! I had dinner plans that night - cancel or bring the baby?! I hadn't told a single person in my life about this - how would I suddenly explain a baby?!

But I told them I would do it if they couldn't find anyone else. Yes - SUCKER.

They found someone else for the baby that night. Thank goodness.

But in the last 5 days I have gotten THREE more calls for placement!

Friday - an 8 year old boy. I was at work when the call came in and by the time I returned it, they'd already found someone else.

Saturday - a teenage mom and baby, but once I explained my space issues they decided to keep calling around.

Today - a 17 year old boy, with the saddest story yet. I was pretty much their last resort - he's got some special circumstances that mean most homes couldn't have him placed. I was extremely hesitant - not for the same reason everyone else turned him down though. I'm just not sure how safe it would be for me - a single young woman - to have a teenage boy.

But in the end I said I'd be willing to talk about it further. Henry said they weren't even sure they could accept him into the program and he might end up in DCFS custody anyway.

I'm pretty much waiting by my phone at this point.

Meanwhile, I've been second guessing this whole thing... a lot. Not because I think I can't do it, and certainly not because I don't WANT to do it. But I work a lot right now - 2 jobs. My full time social work job is pretty flexible and the agency is willing to work with me concerning daycare for any kids placed with me. But my part time job is not very flexible and the hours are not conducive to single parenting (working until 10pm and weekends).

Mostly, I just expected more time to work out the details!

So, right now I'm trying to figure things out. I'm desperately trying to find a new job that would allow me to quit the second job - or find a second job that is more flexible. I have some friends that would probably be able to help with child care - but I haven't even told them that I was considering this idea yet! They know I've wanted to do foster care before - but this is going to be a little out of the blue anyways. But now I'm feeling a little anxious about telling anyone because I tried talking to my mother about it and she wasn't very supportive... at all. She understands my desire to do this kind of service - but she just doesn't think that I'm in the best place in my life to do it. I understand her rationale... but I still want to do it.

See what I mean? Surreality.

Happy Birthday Bug!

To my favorite FIVE year old:

This was you almost exactly one year ago - you had just turned four. I remember thinking forward to this momentous birthday - 5 seemed so old! Five year olds are not babies anymore! They aren't even preschoolers - you'll be off to Kindergarten soon! I remember secretly hoping that this year would be slow.... and I thought I told you to stop growing up!

I can still remember the call I got, (after waiting by my phone for 36 hours!), announcing that you had been born! The call came at 10:30 pm and I couldn't sleep because I was so thrilled! And I was so excited to meet you four weeks later when you came to be baptized. You were so tiny, but with delicious chubby cheeks, and the sweetest demeanor. Your Mommy and I talked a lot about what kind of kid you would be when you got older - but you are much more than we could have imagined!



You are impossibly sweet - kind to everyone, concerned about others, and a fantastic big sister! You are beautiful - a happy, girly-girl, lover of all things princess! You already have a great faith in God - and concern for others knowing about him too! (I'll never forget you once asking me, "Rachie? Does the caterpillar have Jesus in his heart?") You are so smart - a watcher of the world around you, curious, a questioner and already reading! I can't believe you are already FIVE!

But I am so anxious to watch you grow up even more. You are such a terrific little person - I am certain that there are many good things in store for your future! And, I am already planning for some fun activities and events in the years to come!

I love you - my little J!

Love,

Your Rachie

A Red Peg in a Blue Hole

I've already outed myself on Twitter. But just in case anyone missed it over the weekend:

I'm a conservative.

A bonafide Republican.

I campaigned for McCain.

I am putting it out here because part of the reason for starting this new blog was so that I could be more open, real and honest.

And, to be honest, I'm not really able to be that open about my political views in my real life. Of course, my friends know - but I work in social work, I live in Chicago - most disagree with me!

I clearly remember the first time that I became acutely aware of how differences in political opinions can affect relationships. I was sitting at the lunch table at my first social work job, it was the month before the 2004 Presidential Elections. The assistant director was talking about a conversation that she had the night before with her 12 year old daughter.

"Sarah asked me last night what the difference was between Democrats and Republicans..."

"I told her Democrats care about people - Republicans don't."

Somehow I had missed the memo that being a conservative meant that I didn't care about people. Someone had forgotten to warn me that in order to be a good social worker, I must become a liberal. Somewhere along the way, this Republican had slipped through the cracks and gotten her degree in social work.

It would not be the last time that everyone assumed that I was a liberal and said something ignorant and hurtful in my presence. But I can say its gotten a lot easier to hear and I don't take it too personally. Most people are quick to apologize when they find out that I am not a democrat. Then they use qualifying statements, "Republicans don't care about people... well, most republicans... you aren't like most conservatives Rachel!"

Um, okay... thanks?

*sigh*

I generally assume that I am the only conservative in a room when I am at work. It took me quite a while to be comfortable enough to reveal my political views at my last job. I have yet to tell anyone at my current job. My agency is heavily allied with the democratic party in Illinois - I get regular emails encouraging me to participate or act on an issue in order to further the liberal agenda in regards to the state budget. I find it annoying that only one side of the issue is being pushed - but not enough to risk losing my job.

And right now I have to hear all the excitement about the new Healthcare Bill being passed. And mostly, I just smile and nod... and quickly walk away. Not just because I don't agree with the bill - but because if I stick around long enough, the talk will often turn to putting down the GOP and the evil, hateful, racist conservatives that don't care about anyone.

It is not in my nature to shut up and walk away. And so I find myself jumping to defend the issue on a couple friends' Facebook pages, or venting to my mom, or just being irritable.

So, that's pretty much what this post boils down to...

I'm a Republican.

And I care about people.

Happy Birthday to ME!

This past Saturday I cancelled my birthday party - BEST DECISION EVER.

I have a number of friends, but they all travel in different circles. Every year I try to plan a birthday get together that they can all come to and enjoy - because all I want for my birthday is to be surrounded by my friends. But every year what really happens is that I get completely stressed out - picking a venue they'll all enjoy, worrying about certain friends being civil to each other, and the ever lingering fear that no one will actually show up. (No, its never happened - but it could!)

This year, with it being the Big 3-0 and all, I felt even more pressure. Pressure to make it extra fun or extra special... but in reality, I didn't really want to be celebrating it at all. I realize that age is just a number and that I'm still relatively young. I have never been one to care about my age - but 30 snuck up on me and whacked me over the head with some kind of severe hormonal craziness.

I've spent the last 2 months in various stages of hysteria about the impending doom of this day.

And the last 6 weeks desperately trying to plan a party for it.

And this past Saturday I was on the phone with Kass (yes, we are attached at the cell phone) lamenting the fact that I still hadn't picked a location for the party that I made everyone reserve this coming weekend to attend. I have no "favorite bar" anymore - I rarely go to anything besides a local neighborhood pub. We went to my favorite restaurant last year on my birthday. Plus, half my friends are pregnant - so that adds a whole new level of difficulty to planning a fun night out.

"I hope you are getting lots of sleep this week and making up your couch - cause I am sure to be crying on it come Saturday night", I told her laughingly.

But I was completely serious - that is how I foresaw the evening ending.

No alternative actually.

And that is when it hit me - I really do not want to have this birthday party.

Not the birthday itself - I'm resigned to that coming whether I want it to or not!

But I really didn't want to have a big birthday party.

And when I thought about it a little more... when I envisioned a different plan... I was surprised by how I felt:

Downright giddy.

And now, here my new and improved Birthday Week plans!

Monday: I actually got up today and for the first time really believed that I might make it through my birthday week without a meltdown. One day down! :D

Tuesday: Lunch with Thorn - we are having Ethiopian! I am soooooo excited to meet her! Then, therapy - which always puts me in a good mood! And then dinner with an old coworker/friend at one of my favorite spots in my old neighborhood. I can't wait to catch up with her! Its been too long.

Wednesday: I called my college girlfriends Melanie and Alida and asked them if they and their significant others were busy on Wednesday. They were both initially surprised with my new scheme, but readily agreed to dinner at a pub - Mel's husband is currently looking for a place where bagpipers will be playing.

Thursday: Lunch with co-workers - yay for long lunch hours!

Saturday: I will still get together for drinks with Kass and my good friend Sarah and her boyfriend. They are my "non married/non pregnant" friends and they get along smashingly so it will be a great low key night.

I'm hoping this awesome week of celebrating will kick off an amazing year (decade) of me doing more of what makes me happy and less of what stresses me out!

Kass says I'm really ready to be 30 now. ;)

Bring it on!

So Excited!

If you haven't seen my goddaughters on my other blog, let me introduce you to them now.

Meet Julia aka "Bug" - she's almost 5 years old, such a big girl! But I have loved her since the moment I got the phone call from her daddy, announcing that "the most beautiful baby girl in the world" had been born. She holds the honor of being my very first "niece" - although we are not related by blood. Not technically her godmother, but her parents christened me with the title "Auntie" the first time I met her and I've been relishing it ever since. Her mom, Lisa, often starts phone conversations with, "I'm calling you since you're the only person who loves my daughter as much as I do...". Bug is also the one who started calling me "Auntie Rachie" - and its stuck. Occasionally, if other children are around, its "My Rachie" - and I wouldn't have it any other way! I adore her.

And then there is Ava aka "Bean" - my actual "goddaughter" and the cutest thing since chubby cheeks were invented. I've known Ava longer than anyone else outside her parents - I was the ONLY person who knew about her mom's pregnancy for the first 4 months! So, I consider it a head start in bonding with her. Ava is a smiley and silly 15 months old now! And, as destiny would have it, she is soon to be the "middle child" as her mom is pregnant again! Lisa and I consider it perfect symetry since we have bonded over being the "middles" and I will always understand Ava's plight in the birth order scheme. She is my little sunshine.



Even though my sweet girls live 6 hours away, I make efforts to visit them every couple of months. And they are usually visiting family in Chicago on the opposite months so I see them often.

But in a couple weeks, we mark a historic event! Bug is finally old enough to come visit and stay with me BY HERSELF! I am beyond excited and have big plans for our 4 days together. They include an indoor waterpark, the zoo and a trip to the theater if I can find a good kids show playing. There will be much excitement and plenty of pictures to show off our good time - I promise!


And now for the double excitement - Lisa just called to ask if I'd want to keep BOTH girls for two days in July while she goes to a friend's wedding. Um... really? You had to ask that question? The correct presentation would have been to call and say, "I'm dropping off your girls for two days in July - get ready!" There is no way I'd say no to these darlings!


I'm giddy with excitement. I can't wait to make plans for special time with my girls!!

Witness Protection Program

I love my father, I really do. We've come a long way in our relationship. More importantly, I've come a long way in understanding his limitations and setting boundaries for myself. But sometimes, I still think the only way to deal is to enter the witness protection program.

Yesterday I got an two emails, which came over my Crackberry, that definitely sent me to that mindset. The first email was a forwarded flight itinerary - it indicated that my dad and his new wife are coming to visit in late April. The second email said, "I forgot to mention something on the phone the other day... ".

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

Why in the heck does ANYONE think it is appropriate to make travel plans AND BOOK PLANE TICKETS without speaking with the intended visitee first?! I truly don't mind them coming to visit but it really makes me mad that he does it with asking me first. It is just one more slap in the face that my wants, needs, and feelings are not important to him. Not only are they not important - I honestly don't think he even considers it, that it even crosses his mind. And THAT is the part I cannot help but respond to - even though I know that this is a long standing, unchangeable facet of our relationship.

This is sadly one of those times when I can not expect to change his behavior. I desperately wish that we could have a genuine, productive conversation that wouldn't deteriorate into accusations and manipulations.

But expectations like that only result in our relationship being damaged and my emotions being trampled all over. In cases like this, I must accept that I can not control his behavior. I can only control my response to it. I can only set up boundaries that will hopefully reinforce that my wants and needs are important - even if I'm the only one who gets that message.


I was already planning to take myself on vacation sometime in April/May. I guess now I've picked the weekend.